TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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