Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
