tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
