I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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