I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize