I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
