Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
