it's not cheating when I paid for it
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
