This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
