i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
