I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just want to make out with him forever
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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