There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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