Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
