i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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