I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
