We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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