you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
