Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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