I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
