That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
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