Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
