I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
