I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
