I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize