So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
