Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You made out with two different species that night
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
