you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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