Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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