I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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