She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
