Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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