yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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