I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
