Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
