and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
