i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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