What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
