i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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