I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
