I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
