on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
