The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
A bitchslap is in order.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
