I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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