apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
