the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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