He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
