She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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