Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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