He is an equal opportunity slut.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Randomize
