he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
