I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
she peed on how many people?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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