I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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