Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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