I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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