I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
