Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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