i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
