Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
