I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
